Sundar J. Cook, Psy.D.

Here are the three principles of trust:

1. Trust is built over time and cannot be rushed.

2. Trust is based on reality and verifiable behavior.

3. Trust requires taking a risk.

Time

Trust deepens as partners interact with one another and demonstrate trustworthiness over time. As this happens the relationship becomes stronger. Every time a partner expresses commitment, loyalty, safety, and love they make a deposit in the trust account within the relationship. Any form of deception, unfaithfulness or hurtfulness subtracts from the trust account and depletes the relationship. The connection is strongest when each person adds to the account on a daily basis.

Reality

Denial is a major contributor to conflict around trust. People who acknowledge and accept reality are better equipped to handle potential pitfalls. Denying or minimizing the bad things your partner does increases your chances of fooling yourself into thinking you can trust him, even though he is untrustworthy. This is called “Blind Trust.” You can err in the other direction as well and deny the good your partner does; ignoring the times when he is reliable, dependable, and consistent. This pattern leaves you suspicious of the most trustworthy person.

Risk

Maturity and inner security determine how well you take the necessary risks that lead to greater gains. The person who is unwilling to take a risk is confined to only one way of relating to others: Guarded!